A year or more ago, I really developed a desire to have a son. We have 4 girls. I love my girls. I love our girl world. In the past, honestly, I was a bit afraid of boys. I was raised with 4 sisters underneath me in age. I was 16 before my first brother was born and I was a bit removed from growing up with him or my brothers to follow. So when my desire to have a son became so overwhelming, I was actually surprised by the longing.
When I became pregnant at the beginning of this year, I knew it was a boy. The whole story is a book to be written someday, but in short, the Lord showed me and confirmed it several times so I just knew. There were many prophetic words spoken over the baby in my womb. Greatness and destiny spoken over his life in those short 20 weeks.
We went in at 20 weeks to have a gender ultrasound performed only to find out our sweet baby had no heartbeat. From the day we got that news until 5 days later when I went in to have an induced miscarriage, began the story of my greatest offering up to this point in my life. This son (which we still didn’t have doctor’s confirmation of that point) that I had so longed for, that the Lord had promised me in January 2015, would never live on this planet. I wouldn’t get to hold his little hand, I wouldn’t get to smell his sweet baby breath, I wouldn’t get to watch him grow up and so know the difference between raising a girl toddler and a boy toddler. I wouldn’t get to watch him become a man through those awkward teen years, I wouldn’t get to watch him fall in love and chose a wife. All these things have become my greatest offering up.
The day I gave birth to that tiny little, misshapen body, that indeed was a boy, will mark my life forever as one of the deepest and most painful offering ups of my life. But it is not without reward. I believe I have only begun to taste the reward of that one. But I know it is promised. The Lord never intends that we go from the place of sacrifice empty-handed.
***This is Day 12 of “31 Days of Offering Up” – part of the #write31days challenge. To read all the posts in order, please visit the overview page.***